Smash His Viper?

By Paul Eisenstein December 12th, 2005

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Gotta get my glasses checked...

When the e-mail arrived, I could've sworn it said "I smashed up my Viper." Having pushed the Dodge 2-seater right up to its limits a few times myself, I can understand just how easy that might be. But a closer read revealed a very different situation. Seems the folks at SmashMyViper.com have come up with a well, rather interesting idea that would've been novel even during the years of the "Internet Bubble." The apparently Siamese-twined daveandjason have decided that they're ready to scratch, smash and drill their way to prosperity by letting their readers pay to do the damage. The late-model Viper "is the only thing I have to show for all the work I've done in my life," explains Jason Gunther, in the site's FAQ.

A key scratch will only set you back a buck. A swing with a Louisville Slugger is $25. Oh, and there are apparently some lovely and scantily clad young ladies in Jason's neighborhood who haven't been taking their Prozac lately. They'll do the dirty work for you for an extra $100. No, no price has been set for taking a swing at the doomed Viper's owners.

Here in Detroit, of course, there are lots of folks willing to mess up a car -- for free. Unfortunately, it may be your car they take their aggressions out on.

Posted in : Industry

Double Jeopardy for Pontiac

By Paul Eisenstein December 11th, 2005

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On the popular TV game show "Jeopardy," contestants are supposed to respond to clues with a question. But we can assure you that "What is Toyota?" was not the right answer to one particular puzzle presented by host Alek Trebek the other day. Nor was Mercury, nor Buick. But that was as close as the three contestants could come, reports the Detroit News, when shown a picture of the Aztek, and given the clue, "The GM brand whose model lineup includes Aztek and Grand Prix."

In case you've forgotten yourself, the correct question, for $200, would have been, "What is Pontiac?" Actually, that's a very good question, and not just in the "Jeopardy" studios. There was a time when the General Motors division was one of the nation's best-known. But after a series of wrong-headed management decisions, marketing mistakes and disastrous products - such as the Aztek - Pontiac's name recognition is down to near zero if Trebek's three contestants are any indication. Now, let's face it, when you get in front of the TV cameras, with those hot lights and a live audience baiting you, it's not unusual to make some silly mistakes. But we'd be willing to bet that you could ask the very same question on the streets of New York, Chicago, or San Francisco, and stump a lot of otherwise well-informed folks.

Last April, GM's car czar Bob Lutz referred to Pontiac and Buick as "damaged brands." (At least one of the "Jeopardy" contestants recalled the latter division's name, if not its lineup.) GM's PR machine quickly tried to spin a different meaning to Lutz's candid comments. Yet there's no question that at senior meetings, the automaker has been giving serious thought to Pontiac's future. But it wouldn't be easy to send Pontiac off to the scrapheap, as the demise of Oldsmobile proved. It took years to phase out that other, troubled brand, and cost billions, much of it handed out to Olds dealers to cover their losses. Cutting Pontiac would cost easily as much, and it would also complicate matters in showrooms that pair the division with GMC, the much more successful light truck nameplate.

Still, Pontiac can't just be allowed to stumble along. With its minuscule name recognition, this brand truly is in jeopardy. As GM continues to cut its way to survival, one can only wonder if the next mention on that popular TV game show will be "brands that General Motors couldn't revive."

Posted in : Industry

Flak-in-the-Box

By Paul Eisenstein December 9th, 2005

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For any journalist working the Detroit automotive beat, this month's calendar is filled with dinners, parties and receptions hosted by carmakers and their suppliers. In years past, we "boys on the bus" would make a game of guessing how well each company was doing by the size of the shrimp. Some years back, when Ford pulled through one of its periodic downturns, it played along, serving up langostinos the size of a fist.

The tenor at these evening events runs to the serious. Oh, there's plenty of small talk, but in-between asking about Christmas travel plans, you'll try to slip in a couple questions about the competitive situation, fuel prices and plants closings. The tone was decidedly different at Chrysler's gathering last night. It helped, of course, holding the annual gathering at the Parade Company, the warehouse used by the folks who put on Detroit's annual Thanksgiving Parade. So as soon as I dusted the snow off my glasses, I was greeted by the Grinch and Alice in Wonderland's giant caterpillar ... and a running Merry-Go-Round. At the other end of the warehouse was a working bumper car set-up. I've taken my share of shots at senior executives before, but it's not often you get to give a full-force body slam to a CEO.

A good sense of humor seems to be a requirement at Chrysler lately. And new boss Tom LaSorda is just following the lead set by Dieter Zetsche, his predecessor and new chairman of parent company, DaimlerChrysler AG. Not only did Zetsche keep his bushy, trademark moustache in site all evening, but you could win fake Dieter 'staches on some of the carnival games.

Of course it helps to have the likes of Jason Vines serving as PR ringmaster. The occasional stand-up comic and full-time Chrysler public relations chief has a manic capacity for switching from somber to silly in an instant. And sometimes putting a humorous twist to a serious topic. Serving as a magician's assistant, he helped saw LaSorda in half -- before inadvertently giving away the secret of the act. Switching costumes fast enough to make Madonna jealous, Vines also performed as the Flak-in-the-Box. Stealing a page from the old, manic Gallagher, he then proceeded to smash a watermelon with the words, "Big Three," written on it.

Chrysler's top flak would very much like hacks like me to stop lumping Chrysler in with the rest of the Detroit automakers. Technically, as a unit of DCX, he's right. Which is all the more ironic. It took the Germans to help Chrysler rediscover its American roots. And with products like the 300C, the automaker is the only one of the Big Three -- er, Detroit-based manufacturers -- to actually be solidifying its share and making money. I'm not sure if I'm ready to write off the idea of a Big Three just yet. For one thing, Chrysler certainly has to prove that its recent success is more than just a short-lived phenomenon. But they have made it clear that even if they didn't offer the biggest shrimp this year, they certainly get the joke and can laugh as loud as anyone.

Posted in : Industry

Forthwith, Ford’s new Edge

By Marty Padgett December 8th, 2005

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Here's an official illustration released this morning by Ford, trumpeting the January debut of its new crossover, the Edge. Ford promises the Edge will come with its new 3.5-liter V-6 and a six-speed automatic transmission in a thinly worded release. Left unsaid: Does the "E" name mean the Edge should be considered a truck, unlike the lame-duck Freestyle? And does the six-speed automatic mean Ford's CVT experiment is heading to the same scrap heap? Tell us what you think by clicking on the "comments" tab below.

Posted in : Enthusiasts, Industry News, Reviews, Shoppers

MINI Citation Says “Nice Parking!”

By Marty Padgett December 7th, 2005

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The latest in a long list of clever MINI advertisements fell into my lap this week – literally. In my latest copy of a buff-book magazine lie this clever MINI “Motoring Citation.” Lest you fear an army of MINI converts tagging cars for parking too close to their premium-compact hatchbacks, the MINI citation is in fact a tightly worded attaboy for good drivers. You’re supposed to pull the citations from the magazine, fill them out and choose one of the following for the driver in question:

• 01 Nice parking - A good parking job is one of those things in life that is rarely rewarded, but greatly appreciated. Words cannot express how glad we are you resisted the temptation to double park. Please accept this thank you from the rest of the known motoring world.

• 02 Wash me - Congratulations. Your car is absolutely filthy. This means you have really enjoyed motoring in the fullest sense of the word. Keep up the good work.

• 03 Sweet wheels - You are to be commended on your choice of wheels. Wheels say so much about a car's owner. Yours reflect a sense of originality, an understated flair for creativity and bold commitment to driving something that doesn't look like every other car on the road. Congratulations.

• 04 Great bumper sticker- Humor is important, especially when you're stuck in traffic. Without it, we'd all just be getting from point A to point B. But you took the time to change that and never once mentioned your honor student, thanks a lot for that.

• 05 Thanks for going topless - You're motoring in a convertible the way it was meant to be done: Open. And you trusted the world not to rob you blind. And that's special.

• 06 Nice custom - Obviously you've put a lot of work into your car. Your paint is hot. Your wheels are da shizzel. Well done. Everyone loves an original.

• 07 Have a nice day - People often use this salutation but don't really mean it In fact, some uniformed peacekeepers mean the exact opposite. This is not our intention. Honestly, we just want your day to be pleasant and enjoyable. No strings attached.

• 08 Nice mud - Wow, you actually took your SUV off-road. Very cool. Keep it up.