When I can't sleep, I fire up my iPhone, check on my latest posts, and cruise over to YouTube for some pirated Family Guy clips and maybe a little from the Featured list.

Imagine my horror when I found this video, the product of "Gas Unit and MC Esher," a three-minute white-rap ode to $4-a-gallon gas. I did not want to get "humped at the pump" at 1 a.m., but there I was, transfixed by Burger King crowns (who's the king, baby?) and the ability of two former frat guys to link Halle Berry to Halliburton.

It has subtitles in case you don't want to let anyone hear you watching this hot Eminem-mess. Definitely work-safe, but maybe toxic to your iTunes library:

Lots of local papers have one; the little cultural barometers like The Vent in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. In these columns, readers call in or email their pet peeves or pithy asides, and the paper duly reports them as news--Will Rogers-esque news of the ubiquitous and humorous.

The Vent's usually a place where Atlantans get out frustrations about traffic, city government, and the weather. Lately, though, it's been preoccupied with gas prices. Some drivers have a sense of humor about it. Others seem more directly peeved: while gas here is "only" averaging $4 a gallon for unleaded, the locals are up in arms about where prices are and where they're headed.

This week's best Vents on gas prices follow. By the way, the column used to be just a straight list of complaints, but it's gone all Web 2.0, and you can vote up Vents as you like:

According to the American Petroleum Institute's pie chart, it costs $4 to produce a $4 gallon of gas. No transportation expense, no retailing expense, no profit. Big Oil has been selling us gas at a loss!

For sale: SUV. Original gas still in the tank. Make offer. (For the SUV only).

Can't sell your SUV. Can't sell your mini-mansion. Can't get rid of your kids. How, exactly, does one downsize?

If I had all the money I spent on bottled water, I could buy gasoline.

I'm so old I remember driving an SUV.

Tell me, folks, exactly when will gas be too high for you. I haven't seen any changes yet.

Saw a "Rockford" TV show rerun the other day (circa 1978) and the price of gas was 69 cents a gallon.

To the guy who remembers 25 cent a gallon gas, you are not that old. My family's 1929 Hupmobile bought gas at the Colonial station at 7 gallons/$1, and for every dollar we were given a free drinking glass.

Your everyday car may be special to you, what with its nice rims, a cool satellite radio system, enough room in the console to hide evidence of trips to Carvel. Chances are, though, it's a Camry, Accord, Fusion, or Malibu--all fine cars, but not really epic examples of the history of carmaking.

Throughout the history of cars, there have been hallmarks, cars that changed the course of history or simply put the logo on the sign of the times. If you need an education on what cars are all about, there's an easy way to get a primer on autos through time: drive them. By our measure, there are at least eight cars you need to drive before you die, so you know where cars came from, where they're going, how good they can be, and how awful, too.

TheCarConnection.com's eight cars to drive before you die are these classics:

Mazda Miata
You don't know how well a car can handle until you drive one of Mazda's essential roadsters. The Miata's reflexes feel like they were hardwired by God, and its controls penned by Apple. Beautifully executed and honest to its core, the Miata's steering alone would put it in this group. No car has ever felt this neural, and it's hard to think any other car ever will. It's best to get into a pristine first-generation car if you can, but those are becoming rarer as time goes by; 2008's Miata is almost up to the glory days of the original.

Chevrolet Corvette ZR1
OK, we haven't driven it yet, either. And maybe there's less of a chance you'll get into this than into a mid-'60s Sting Ray Corvette. You need to experience ultimate power, though, and the whole Formula 1 career isn't really taking off, is it? Beg, borrow or steal to get a ride in this one into low geosynchronous orbit, and then you can chuckle at Sergey Brin: $5 million to go into real space is a waste when you can own this for $100,000.

Model T
To know where you're going,you have to know where you've been. Didn't Pete Townsend say that? Start with the car that changed the world, but be prepared. Model Ts aren't easy to drive. They have to be started, shifted, and slowed in ways you've never dreamed of. Luckily, owners of these cars seem to have hours to explain to you exactly how the rudimentary ur-car operates, and the incredibly crude ride will bounce you awake while they shout out T-trivia on the roll.

Volkswagen Beetle
Mechanical simplicity, thy name is Beetle. You really can repair this car with office supplies, and its purity makes the Beetle even more a contrast with today's crash-perfect, desensitized, ball-bearing-tight new cars. Beetle heaters don't work, wipers are a cruel joke, and power is high concept, but it moves you in other ways.


Porsche 911
The engine's out back, the cylinders are opposed instead of working together--and still, when a Porsche 911 fires up,right at the base of your spine, you merge with its manic rhythms. The hammering of pistons in your ear amplifies the direct heft of the steering, and the drop-away view of the road ahead is as close to a racecar as you can find on a modern-day production car. Pretend you're Hurley Haywood if you want--just don't play Autobahn unless the coast is clear.

AM General Hummer/HUMMER H1
You can't drive an Abrams tank, so this is the closest you'll ever get. You'll also get the contact thrill of 1990s nostalgia, when gas was plentiful, the Oval Office served dual purposes, and being a rock star/movie god/media icon meant tooling up to a red carpet in something impossible for any valet to park. Never mind the wars going on in the background--orthodontists and day traders need love too. Full speed ahead!

Rolls-Royce Phantom
Don't fuss with the nonsense of a stretch limousine; find a way to be chauffeured in the Phantom (or the Mercedes-built Maybach 62) and savor the experience. Tip the rear seats back, flip down a walnut tray outfitted with a properly aged Scotch paired with Diana Krall's Live in Paris DVD on the rear-seat entertainment system, and let someone else worry about the traffic ahead. It's OK if you don't wave to the peons outside.


Cadillac Cimarron
Slow can be forgiven; sometimes even ugly, too. The Cimarron ("By Cadillac") was unforgivable, coming from "the standard of the world." Its utterly synthetic, soulless attempt to save Caddy's bacon turned off even GM's hardcore audience. Most galling detail: keys coated in gold plastic that wore off before the warranty expired. Congratulations, Cimarron. You sucked on so many levels, we're still talking about you today.

Honorable Mentions
Honda CRX: Perhaps the best-handling front-wheel-drive car ever, the CRX marked the beginning of Honda's Golden Age.

Lamborghini Murcielago: The view from the wheel of this winged bat out of hell is extraordinary and almost alien--and its performance is astonishing.

Jeep Wrangler: The only vehicle to go from World War II combat duty into the national lexicon, it's shorthand for adventure.

Toyota Prius: Geek culture rules the world now--and the Prius is proof of its good, green side.

Smart fortwo: Sitting on the continental divide between cars and roller skates, the smart fortwo points to where cars are going, for better or worse.

Have a nominee of your own? Add it in a comment below!

I hate Bluetooth. I mean, I love Bluetooth--when it links my mouse to my MacBook, and when it silently hooks me up with my car without a multistep, voice-activated fuss like I've encountered in the last three test vehicles I've driven.

I hate Bluetooth when it's dangling off a human ear, turning them into a Borg slave to their cell phones. But it's about to become a necessity, I think, for the times when I'm driving up the 101 from TheCarConnection.com World Headquarters in air-conditioning-free Palo Alto, into the much cooler City. On July 1, California and Washington are becoming states Nos. 4 and 5 to require drivers to use hands-free devices to talk on cell phones while behind the wheel. And that means either driving home with Sean Hannity or breaking down my distaste for the ear-borne devices. (At least some of the time--Bluetooth's been outfitted on more than half of the vehicles I've driven this year).

So while I'm resistant to it, I actually own a Bluetooth headset now. It's small and it's actually blue, and honestly, I think it makes me look even more like a dork. There is something to its logic, though. Just yesterday, heading north on the freeway, I counted more than a handful of drivers not only dialing and nearly piling into an accident already blocking the two left lanes, I counted my own hand reaching for the phone two or three times when I really shouldn't have.

The new law in California alone will be a boon to companies like Parrot, with its lineup of hands-free car kits. Good thing they have a sense of humor about their impending windfall. Witness this guerrilla video they've posted to YouTube, in which a teen driver burns through five driving instructors, who go all ballistic on him for using his phone at the wheel. It telegraphs instantly where and when Bluetooth is a better idea.

I still don't buy it at dinner parties, coffee houses, or work conventions, where the phone conversation immediately takes precedence over real people standing in front of you. You guilty parties, you know who you are.

While I remember to pack my new headset and charger, check in with your comment and tell us what Bluetooth means to you: is it a lifeline, a nice thing to have, or just a loser tracking system for the rest of us?

You could be a recruiter or a sales technician or an endocrinologist, but trust me when I say this is a job description you want: car wrecker.

While I'm down here in TCC's world headquarters in sunny Palo Alto, Gregg at WreckedExotics.com was on hand to catch the filming of a stunt in downtown San Francisco. And I'm jealous because I've never sent a car into the air. I have been strapped to the hood of one that ran--twice--through a wall of fire, but that was less about fulfillment and more about being 24 years old. And dumb.

This looks like a lot more fun--helming a stunt car as it hurtles down a San Francisco street. "My buddy let me know about a stunt that was being filmed by the BBC on his street in San Francisco this afternoon," Gregg e-mailed us. The stunt was being filmed for an unknown commercial.

"The cars flew about 30 feet and caught about 9 feet of air," Gregg says, and we believe him, based on forensic evidence like the mushed nose of the Goat lookalike after the stunt ended.

We think maybe the Brits were trying to get the real, authentic feel of an American city by building an elaborate launch ramp on a hilly street and by using late-'60s lookalike cars to crash around like all American drivers do, but that's just a guess. Watch the YouTube video clip here, and see if you can catch up to the hubcap that blasts free at impact. We think it's still rolling around the Marina district somewhere.

Roll tape: